How beautiful does Florence look in this video for her new single Spectrum? What an absolute masterpiece.
Confessions.
I spend so much time trying to make people like me that I’ve realised I begin to lose who I really am, and who I am doesn’t show to those around me because of my obsession of being liked. I think it all roots from my self confidence, surely if I’m constantly conscious that people may not like the real me there is a problem? I wish I was one of them people who were fully comfortable with themself as a whole, didn’t care about what other people thought, and took all the negativity that they may run into during their life and ignore it. Because of this I find I can’t open up to anyone properly, and it holds me back so much in everything positive that I try to do. If I try to get close to someone, I all of sudden feel inferior to them, uglier, weaker and less confident. I don’t know what to do anymore, as time passes it seems to affect me more. I want to be a happy, confident person but I don’t know how to be and I am constantly envious of people around me, when I see them smiling or how comfortable they are with themself and how they don’t care if people judge. Why can’t I be like that? What do I have to do to be like that? Right now I feel like I don’t even know myself, I wouldn’t brand it as a sadness, but describe it as being lost maybe. I’m constantly hoping for someone to show me the way, or point me in the right direction. A year ago I was certain I’d found who I really was, and that I was comfortable with it, and I felt so happy with my life and the people around me. Everything has changed, I don’t recognise myself anymore, I feel like I’m losing who I am, and I am terrified of losing myself completely. Sometimes feeling like this leads to being in the darkest place I’ve ever been in my life, other times I feel happy and content with life. The smallest of things upset me, or make me sad, I don’t feel like this is normal. I don’t know why I’m writing this on my public blog, I just needed to put everything I felt into writing, I hardly have any followers anyway so it’s not like anyone who actually cares is going to read it. I’m relying on the hope that one day I’ll be like every other normal person out there.
Every boyfriend is the one until otherwise proven,
The good are never easy, the easy never good,
And loving never happens like you think it really should,
Deception and perfection are wonderful traits,
One will breed love, the other hate,
You’ll find me in the Lonely Hearts under “I’m after a fresh start”,
And I don’t belong to anyone.
PSYCHO BABBLE.
Is it really pathetic that just by watching endless episodes of Made in Chelsea, I am now determined to have a life style just like the cast of the show? It is all so appealing, I envision myself having a beautiful apartment in Chelsea, with a black range rover and two little puppies.. Is that too much to ask? Not forgetting having all my family and friends around me, when the sun is out going out for extravagant cocktails or attending a boat party where everybody is wearing eccentric eye wear, and when winter arrives jetting off on a skiing holiday to a luxury cabin in the snow. I am in no way superficial or obsessed with money, I just want to have all the people around me that I love, and have the opportunity to do lots of exciting things. I’m not asking to be rich, just enough money to be happy, have a beautiful home and take care of my two dogs (which may I add will be the extent of any relationship I’ll ever have). I still want to be living life to the full, travelling across the world, experiencing the most amazing things that make me stand there in awe and think, this is why life is worth living. I still want to party all weekend, stumbling back home in the early hours of the next day and crawling to my bed. This piece of writing started off expressing my love for the tv show Made in Chelsea but now it has turned into what seems a personal piece expressing my aspiration to live a happy life, follow my dreams, achieve what I want, and make mistakes that I will learn from yet not be judged. Oh, not forgetting working for my favourite fashion magazine, WONDERLAND MAGAZINE. Who knows what life will deliver, I may even aim higher and go for VOGUE (in my dreams, but as they say, anything is possible). I think that I have hit that point in my life where I am still trying to find out who I am, and what I truly want out of life, aside from happiness and success. A couple of days ago, I pictured myself in my head and sat there for a few seconds, I realised I didn’t really recognise myself at that moment in time. It really hit me hard that life is so complicated and sometimes it crashes down on us so hard and sends into a dark hole of depression yet at other times things happen in life that make us feel like the happiest person walking the earth. Life is a journey, and I believe that finding the key to happiness and finding out who we truly are is a journey we all have to embrace. (Most of this doesn’t make any sense - but that is a lot like life. IRONY.)
DAVID BECKHAM for ELLE MAGAZINE July 2012 cover, will most definitely be purchasing this issue,
Lissie - Cuckoo
LOVE
SUN SUN SUN
The weather has been amazing this week here in the UK, I can’t remember the last time we had a week this warm. I am that happy about it I felt it was wrong that I didn’t go out and buy a new pair of sunglasses, so that I did. I came home with a new pair of Ray Bans, although I couldn’t really afford them and totally had no intention of spending that much money. You only live once though, and I really did feel like I’d fell genuinely in love with them. So that’s been justified now and I can finally stop feeling so guilty about this over spontanious puchase. Today I’ve started the day by making myself a watermelon smoothie and having a full listen to the new album by Marina & The Diamonds (Electra Heart). I had no idea watermelon was the second healthiest fruit ever, contains lots of vitamin A, B and C, and provides brain fuel apparently. That is something I definitely need at this time in the morning, and in general to be honest. Reading over this blog post I’ve realised it has been quite a pointless one and I’m sure everything I have just wrote about is not interesting in the slightest to anyone else but me. Today is a day to do nothing though, relax and enjoy the warm weather!
